love is kind.
Love does not envy,
is not boastful,
is not arrogant…
1 Corinthians 13:4
I read this in a children's ministry devotional today...
"Love is patient. It waits on the truth and waits for others. It does not get angry easily. Love is kind. It loves others without expectation and looks to the interests of others. Love does not become jealous for what others have or what you do not have. It does not brag about talents or material things. There is no arrogance in love. It does not assert authority or superiority over others who seem weaker."
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I am bad at benefit of the doubt. I tend to read people based on my first impression, or their attitude and continue the relationship with them based on the assumptions I first made of them. I don't even think about trying to love someone unless they pass the initial impression of whether I can trust them. That's me protecting my heart, but it is also me being judgemental and critical sometimes.
I like to think that I am a pretty good judge of character, because my first impressions always seem to be "right" as the relationships play out. But, the thought occurred to me, did I think I was right about them because that one flaw is all I ever saw in them? If I focus on the one flaw in someone, I will miss all the other good things about them.
My husband is better at seeing someone's bad attitude and saying, "Maybe they had a really bad day." I think I need to get in the habit of wondering, not assuming, "I wonder why they think that way?" Because there is always a reason, and it probably has to do with their story. Everyone acts in a way that makes sense to them. (even if it actually IS a bad reason or evil intentions etc.)
Jesus was good at going right to the heart. He would meet someone and He actually knew their heart, so he would speak right to them where they were at. He always had the right question to ask, to get someone thinking about their own motives. I don't have the luxury of omniscience. I have to rely on the Holy Spirit to nudge me toward someone. I often pray last minute prayers of, "Give me words, and give me ears to hear." when entering into hard conversations with people.
I realized today that I have gotten into the habit of surface relationships. In person and online I spend just a half second scrolling past someone, glancing at their stats, their profiles etc. instead of sitting down with them and offering the gift of time. I have become impatient and jumping to quick conclusions makes me unkind. Surface reads make me envy other's lives, comparing memes and screen shots leads to boasting and skimming articles leads to arrogance, thinking I know something because I read about it... briefly, ...ok, I just saw a meme and a photo about it.
...And that is the opposite of the love God tells us to show.
So, how? How do I do this? Love people patiently, kindly with grace?
Online it looks like responding to a post with, "Tell me more about why you chose to post this?" in a private message instead of assuming I know their motives.
In person it is pausing, with eye contact and asking, "Help me understand where you are coming from." and waiting patiently for them to answer, listening and trying to understand before I talk.
Only after I have listened, have I earned the right to speak into someone's life with my perspective or my story, or even hard truth they need to hear. These things take time, and an enduring patience that can only come from God's love. It is motivated by a desire for real relationships with mutual respect. So, even in instances where I have authority over a person, (like my children) I have to take a breath and bring my patience first before I reprimand.
These phrases (in bold) have saved many conversations and friendships in my life! I am still not great at patient love, but I am learning. Have patience with me in the process!!
Hey, thanks for joining my journey,
Deborah King